What Do I Do?

*sigh*

I seem like a super whiny teenage girl on this blog... and I suppose I am.

I really like him.

And it sucks.

So.

Much.

Why can't it just be like it is in the movies? You meet someone, you 'click', you get together, and you live happily ever after.

Oh right. Because this isn't the movies. Silly me.

A few months can be a long time, like, would we even work out? We might not even make a few months... It's ridiculous that he doesn't want to even try. *sigh* But then he's got his ex-girlfriend waiting for him... Which is crazy, but to each their own, I suppose.

But the thing is, I'm here NOW, and we like each other. Both physically and mentally, I think. So... I don't know why we can't just give it a shot and see what happens...

So... Do I give up? Or do I try harder?

Does it matter either way?

Probably not.

*sigh*

...

So I think I'm losing it.

I keep hearing this weird whooshing noise and I can't figure out where it's coming from... I thought it was from outside my window like, at my neighbour's house, but I don't know 'cause I heard it in the bathroom too...

Then I thought I could hear a voice before.

Ohmygod I'm losing my mind.

Then there's all the pressure of Stevie being sick, probably dying. And I can't do a thing to help...

So, recap: I'm going insane, and I'm useless.

Damn I'm awesome.

Why?

Why? Seriously. Why is this affecting me so much?

Most people feel flattered if somebody likes them. But not me, no, I have to feel bad about it. Is it because I feel like I used him? Or because I think he's just a little bit... peculiar...? Or... I dunno... He's attractive enough, but shorter than me... Gah.

Oh, and I still like my friend/my friend's ex.

Congratulations me.

Dammit.

Bleh.

Never.

Never like someone who is totally out of your league.

And your friend's ex.

It just makes it all much more confusing, and difficult. Especially since it's so NOT going to happen because, as previously stated, he is completely out of my league. Oh, and he probably doesn't like me like THAT anyway since his last girlfriend was like... I dunno, a size 6? 8? I dunno, something much, much tinier than myself. And you know, I'm insanely neurotic and she so wasn't or isn't... Or whatever.

Eurgh.

I hate my appearance, my self esteem, my complete failure with intimacy/flirting/relationships.

I suck.

So.. Blogging eh?

I'm new to blogging... And doubtful that anyone will read this... Chances are that I will only ever write this one... So not sure why I'm even writing this...

Just writing this out so that I can have everything all in one place...

So, I screwed up with Loki. Now I don't even know if he wants to talk to me, or even be friends as he doesn't answer my texts and is rarely on msn... This is probably just me over reacting and over thinking... But you know, that happens. It's just really irritatin.

Stupid Chem tutor.

I don't even know WHY I like him. Honestly, it's so damn pathetic. I mean, yes, we made out, but now... I dunno. It's all weird. And I didn't do anything! And we were fine and completely not awkward afterwards... Then I found out ON MY BIRTHDAY, that he has a girlfriend, which sucked, fortunately angry moshing and alcohol were available afterwards... Gah.

I'm so sick of this uncertainty, it makes me doubt myself again, which I hate, which my friends hate. It's insane the kind of effect that one person can have. And I don't think he realises. Not that I'd let him know anyway, nor do I tink he is likely to notice for quite a while, since I don't think I'm likely to see him again until school goes back. I just, I want to be friends now. I don't even need the romantic/relationship thing.

I don't know what to do with my friends either. God this is beginning/continuing to sound emo and whiny...

There's all the complications to do with Shannyn-Eddy-Owen. Which sucks, but I am unable to do anything about so I try not to worry about it TOO often.

Then there's the whole being afraid that Maddi doesn't like me anymore, ever since I switched schools... And she's gotten new friends who I don't really know, and we've both changed. She's much more confident and all that, and I'm more neurotic. Hmmm... Also, I hate that I've fallen out of contact with most other people. I really do love them all, I just don't have time to hang out with everyone, especially not on the weekends because I'm working...

And school is a completely different matter all together!

Ever since switching to CSC from Kormilda I dunno... I've changed. I can attribute it to just adjusting to the change as long as I want, but maybe I'm just not as intelligent as I previously considered myself to be. Maybe my former academic record was nothing more than a fluke, in a flawed system... I don't know. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in sales or some other rubbish job, I can't stand people. Maybe I shouldn't even consider medicine, maybe I should just default to editing... I mean, I can't even be bothered to read Gray's Anatomy, I could barely get through the first few pages without getting tired.

Man, my sleep is screwed up. It's like, I have to sleep for extended periods of time, with no limit as to how long I am allowed to do so otherwise I have a really dodgy nights sleep. That or I have to be completely wrecked, bordering on incapable of functioning kind of tired... It's quite lame. And then mum whinges at me about 'sleeping all day'. Yeah, I may be sleeping all day, but that's because I couldn't sleep all night, and have realistically probably only been asleep for anywhere between 5-10 hours. Yes, I know 10 hours is more than enough.

Speaking of my mother, god she is being annoying right now.

She is being all strange at the moment, constantly questioning where I'm going, what I'm doing, who I'm going with and placing curfews and junk. It sucks so much. See, she used to not do it, then I got caught on my way back in from being at Shannyn's house. And she grounded me. Now she thinks that me hanging out with Shannyn and Eddy is a 'bad influence' on me. As if. I've known Eddy since I was like, 5 years old, and I've been friends with Shannyn for a few years, we've just gotten closer this year. I understand that maybe being friends with people with issues, who are seeing psychologists and are on medication probably isn't brilliant, but I do love the two of them so very very much. And it's better than being at home.

Ah, home. Where Gabriella and Fletcher rarely are, Dad almost never is because of him doing fly-in-fly-out work, and Mum is almost always cranky. I know that she has Crohn's and that's stressful, and she has to look after us, and she has to attempt to keep things organised, and she has to run the dance school, and deal with my father's moodiness over the house, bills, and us kids who he can't look after while he's in Karratha. It's retarded. Then I still don't like my nanna, although I think she is drinking significantly less often now that she has to babysit. Maybe she feels like she can make up for being such a crappy mother, and grandmother by taking care of Lachlan, Jordyn, and Bryce. At least she doesn't try to buy their love I guess.

Randomly changing the subject again, which I feel I am entitled to as it is MY blog... I sometimes worry that I won't find somebody who'll care about me. I mean, I am told by my friends that I'm pretty, which I won't dispute, but as soon as I say so they pretty much feel like they've won, or if I say 'but' they talk over me trying to make a point. But what I'm trying to say is "I'm pretty I guess, but I'm overweight". Come on guys, look at me, I hate me for this and often fantasize about being able to just slice the fat off of my body, which I can't do unfortunately. But I've gotten a little better about it. I was crying myself to sleep most nights for a little while. And then I'd feel even worse for thinking about such useless and superficial things, when there are much bigger issues in the world.

I dislike my thought process.

It's like, I want to help other people, I want to listen to them, but then I want to be listened to, but if I talk for too long I feel guilty about it and apologise and return to listening to them. It's so messed up. I don't want to sound conceited and as such I sometimes bottle things up. The serious stuff, not the trivial stuff, I talk about trivial things all the damn time. Bleh, bleh, bleh. And I have this twisted way of believing that I HAVE to help other people with their problems, or listen to them unconditionally, but I don't know if they actually like me, or just talk to me because there is nobody better at the time. How messed up is that? I don't think my own friends actually like me, I think that they just endure me, out of pity, or some misguided attempt to ensure that people aren't lonely, you know, they're doing the nice, altruistic thing.

Anything I need to emo rant about? Not really...

I may let Shannyn read this.. Because she seems to care for me for some misguided and unexplainable reason. Illogical, and irrational. I <3 her.

But alas, I must go, Shannyn and Eddy await me in the bar. And anything that I haven't mentioned in here I probably don't want people to know, or it's even more superficial and frivolous than what is already mentioned.

Biccy.